They Say Nice Guys Never Get the Girl

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So this popped up on my newsfeed last week, An Open Letter To The Girl Who Let The Nice Guy Go. After reading it I was kind of annoyed. I think the idea that women don’t like nice guys is a bullshit stereotype. With all stereotypes there’s some truth in it, but really it just encourages guys to treat women badly. But there was something else that nagged at me, I just couldn’t figure it out. Have you read it? Go ahead, take a quick look. Actually before you keep reading I really want you to read it. No really go read it now.

Okay so now you must have read it. I wonder if you assumed it was written by a guy like myself and others commenting. Even though the opening and closing of the letter clearly indicate it’s a woman writing to herself, I almost completely ignored that because it just didn’t ring true as a woman’s perspective. I can only assume that many of the other readers thought so as well, some even said it was misogynistic. I wont get into that debate because it’s not the battle I want to fight, but I can understand that judgement. In particular some parts if coming from a man would be condemned by most women, even if they believe it themselves. For example,  “Every girl says she likes the assh*le because he’s the challenge — the one she must break, train and force to be more than just a douchebag.”

And that sentence pretty much made me come to realization of what the overall problem with this piece of writing was. While this was supposed to be about this girls experience, the lesson she learned and how that could be a lesson to girls that dismiss nice guys, there was nothing personal in the writing to connect with. I can’t say that she wasn’t honest about her feelings or about her experience but the way it is written does not make it seem like an honest or personal piece. All the ideas are very general and leave way to up to the reader to define.

Comments on the blog and on Facebook, where I saw it, people debated about if all girls want the bad boy type, the definition of the nice guys, whether the rejection was about love or sex, or if the stereotypes applied in all situations. Because they didn’t have the context of the relationship that she was writing about they easily drew their own conclusions about the situation or focused on the general statements made. After reading it over again, I thought well what does she mean by nice guy, how did he give her everything she needed, how was she hurt before, and how did she push him away? I was left with so many unanswered questions that the only thing I felt needed to be said was it was poorly written or purposely general to create controversy. Nobody cared about the nice guy, or about her. And nobody was ever going to get the supposed lesson unless they already felt the same way. So just for fun I’ve penned a little letter myself, something I think is a whole lot more personal, though maybe not expressing the same sentiment.

Dear Nice Guy,

I knew you were a nice guy the first time we met. I had you down on your knees tying my shoelaces, you walked me to train station and almost immediately called me when you got home. We met on my birthday and you said you were my gift. You fell for me hard and even predicted I would break your heart. I realized now I did love you, but I don’t think I was in love. I let you be my first because I’d rather it be with a nice guy and I thought I owed it to you. You were sweet, careful and loving, I felt safe in your arms. I met your family and they told me about how much you loved me. You wanted to meet my father and it never happened. I was young, curious and a bit of a wild child. I like to test my limits, push peoples buttons, and stir up trouble. When I was a raging bitch, angry for no reason you didn’t get angry back. When I was being too demanding you just tried harder. When I pulled away you came running after me. I could do no wrong even when I did. I kissed that guy and told you because I knew you deserved the truth. You let it pass way too easily. When I told you I wanted to break up, you said lets just take a break. I knew it was the end but humored you hoping you’d realize it too. Yet it still came as a shock when I thought it was time to move on.

I didn’t think I deserved you, and I didn’t. If we continued I would have learned not to care and the damage would have been much worse. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I made you hate me. But I didn’t lie, I loved you and needed you more as a friend but that wasn’t enough for you. I tried to do you a favor and save you a lot of grief. You hung around maybe hoping I’d change my mind. Even though we were only together three months your pain made it seem like a lifetime. But you gave me that hope for what I might come to appreciate one day. If commitment didn’t scare the shit out of me, I could have married you. If it hadn’t been so intense, so quick it could have lasted longer. Maybe it was just bad timing or maybe you were only meant to get me through a short time. Moral of the story is although more guys should be like you, they shouldn’t chase after girls like me. I know I did the right thing for us both. I don’t regret letting you go and I hope the girl that got you in the end realizes how lucky she is.

Sincerly,

The Wild Child with No Regrets

 

Now maybe the author is more worried about getting page views and comments than producing a compelling piece of writing that makes people look at something from a different view point. In that case I guess they’ve succeeded. Besides what do I know they’ve got pages of commentary and even I viewed the page several times. Meanwhile, I’ve got like thirty followers and have maxed out at two whole comments on a post. If only people with an audience that large cared more about their writing, the internet wouldn’t be so full of crap and stupid arguments that just waste more time in the day.

 

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You Might Be a Shitty Person If…

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All of your closest friends have talked shit about you at some point.

Nobody is ever there to help you when you really need it.

Every girlfriend/boyfriend you cheated on deserved it because he/she did too.

Every time you say something nice about somebody it’s preceded or followed by an insult or a judgement of their character. (in other words you’re pointing out their flaws)

Everybody that has something bad to say about you is just a hater.

You think that you never owe anybody anything ever.

You won’t take people up on offers for help because you don’t want to owe anybody for anything, especially if you think you’ll have to pay back the favor one day.

Every bad thing you ever did was for a good reason so it wasn’t a mistake.

You won’t help somebody else if you can’t see how it will help you in some way.

You bring up past “resolved” issues when arguing with somebody.

Everybody you fucked over or talked shit about deserved it.

Most of your closest friends ended up being fake ass people.

The only luck you ever have is bad luck.

Drugs are Bad, Mmkay.

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Do I use drugs to enhance my life or change my state of mind? Well yeah of course. If I said otherwise I’d be a liar and my legs would be covered in some serious burns.

The truth is on a regular basis I use drugs and I’m fairly certain than many others do too. Every morning I drink coffee to wake myself up, caffeine is one hell of a drug. Fairly often I drink alcohol to help me relax or even just to loosen up and have a good time. And very rarely, I may take a pill to help me fall asleep. Everyday I take a pill to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I also take aspirin, ibuprofen or other painkillers to help with pain. I also suffer from allergies that I take care of with antihistamines and other drugs to relieve the symptoms such as a runny nose, itchy eyes and congestion.

Does it make me weak or lazy? Does it make me an addict or an abuser of drugs? Does it make me a plague on society? Does it mean something is wrong with me? Or does it simply make me a modern citizen that takes advantage of the technology made available through the progress of society. Now to now be perfectly honest I’ll even admit to experimenting with illegal drugs. Simply because I’m curious and want to understand what draws so many people in.

Does it make me any less hardworking or intelligent? I don’t know, you tell me.

Medication Does Not Cure Depression

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I’ve noticed a very common misunderstanding of the use of medication for depression and wanted to take a moment to write some words on it. Mental health is a field that is surrounded by a lot of myths and misconceptions  because it is not an exact science and because of some bad experiences that individuals share the whole field is viewed as being based on faulty methods. But like any field there are individuals that are responsible, hard working and knowledgeable about it, then there are others that are not. So unfortunately even people that are supposed to be trusted professionals fail us.

I’ve run into many people that seem to believe that medication is a fix all, you take a pill, it makes you happy and poof no more depression. They are also under the impression that if you take medication it is because you are too weak minded or lazy to put in work to help yourself. Well contrary to popular belief that is all simply not true. Depression is funny thing, there could be many causes for it. For many people it is due to outside forces, they become victim to certain circumstances in their life. For many others the depression is merely a symptom of a legitimate medical affliction. There are many different methods for dealing with it and working towards better mental health. Just because medication is available and an option it should never be relied on as the only solution. That is a flawed method, one that is reinforced by larger than life marketing campaigns based on individual results.  The reality is gaining better mental health is about putting in the work to change the way your mind thinks and medication is simply a tool to help until you can do it on your own. Does it mean everybody who’s depressed needs medication? Absolutely not. Many people learn through different forms of counseling how to pull themselves out of a depressed state naturally and that is absolutely a great thing, and one of those funny things about how depression works. But for many others they put in the work of going to counseling, take all the advice of doctors and any of their other trusted advisers and still struggle. For those individuals medication is an option that might help them so that they can focus on the work needed to cope with depression. I’m not saying that these people now have to be on drugs for the rest of their life or that without it they could not improve. What I’m saying is that it is a tool, one of many that is an option for those suffering. Actually if the health care system worked better medical professionals would work towards the goal of the people not needing drugs, even with serious mental illnesses. But unfortunately it is a lot easier and cheaper to medicate them instead of finding the true cause and educating them about how to cope with it.

Here’s a little comparison that may help people understand. You go to a regular doctor to maintain your physical health in addition to all the things you can do on your own like getting exercise and eating right. But lets say you suffer from high cholesterol, high blood pressure or diabetes. These are very serious conditions that could be managed without the help of medications. But for some medication might be needed to manage the condition while they make lifestyle adjustments to improve their health. Usually the goal is to get to a better state of health so the medication is not needed. If a doctor did not recommend other methods that doctor would be seen as irresponsible and labeled a bad doctor not the medical field as a whole. Now if you then tell others that you need the medication would they tell you, you’re just lazy or weak? Most people that care and want you to take their advice seriously probably would not. Most would support your decision while offering any help including other methods they know work for other people, mainly to empower you to take all the action you can to improve the situation yourself. Most people understand that you can do everything right and still not remedy the problem without outside help. Still don’t get it? Here’s a much simpler way to view it. Many characterize medication as a crutch for weak people. But wait, crutches are what they give to people with broken legs. Does that mean people with broken legs are too weak or lazy to heal themselves? I would think not, using crutches is expected until the body has time to heal. After that the person would slowly work towards regaining the strength needed to walk on their own. If they continued to use crutches and did not do physical therapy and all the other recommendations of a doctor then you could say the problem was with the individual person. And I really don’t think anybody would claim that crutches are a problem and people shouldn’t use them.

So I ask why such different views on matters of health that are so important? Personally, I think because for so long there has been a prevailing attitude that the mental health industry is full of quack doctors that don’t actually offer helpful solutions. So often you hear about people that relied on only medication and it failed them. It wasn’t the medication that failed them it was the doctors that failed them. If they had taken the time to find a better doctor or somebody that was more experienced in the field of mental health they would have found that there are many different methods of maintaining their mental health and that just like physical health it is balancing act of finding the right methods for your personal situation. There is no simple answer to any problem that we encounter and it should never be a choice between one method or another. Framing things like that limits the power and effectiveness of any method.  And in relation to mental health becomes a barrier to those that really need the help seeking it.

Now obviously my hypothetical could go a different way. Some people just might contradict the advice of your doctors. There are many people that deny the validity of the medical field as a whole due to a limited amount of experience and knowledge. Most likely those would not be people that you would look to for support even if there recommendations could help you. In other words their attitude limits the power of their message. When it comes to physical health most people would rather go with the recommendations of a medical professional or at least take the information more seriously because of the experience and knowledge they have to back up their claims. But when it comes to mental health many people will look to anything that will help them because of their desperation and all the mixed messages they receive through individual stories and media hype. The prevailing attitudes towards the mental health industry only serve to blockade many who could greatly benefit from good, helpful medical advice from seeking the help that they need. It is my personal opinion that even those with serious mental illness can live a happy productive life without medication but that is only possible if they equip themselves with the knowledge they need in order to cope with their condition. That is not possible if they assume there are no answers for them going that route because of other people’s bad experiences. For all of the bad experiences there are probably just as many good. However, the good stories are often kept secret because individuals don’t  share them for fear of being viewed as weak, lazy, or like there is something wrong with them. It seems to me like that the world of mental illness is viewed in a very different way than physical illness is.

In conclusion,  other methods of beating depression should not be viewed as an alternative to professional medical treatment, in fact some may even be techniques that responsible, caring, professional doctors and counselors would teach if more people were willing to trust in them.  Just like exercise and eating healthy are part of maintaining good physical health recommended by good doctors in addition to medical technology, maintaining mental health is a balancing act of different techniques along with medical technology if it is needed. To maintain physical health you wouldn’t rely on only one solution to what ails you and you should not, mental health is no different. Beware of falling into the trap of thinking because something does not work for some individuals it is a failure of the method or technology. If you limit your options based on particular experiences, myths and prevailing attitudes, you have already failed yourself and limit your own success.

What am I doing

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So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and wondering what the hell I want to do with my life. Yet I still have no answers. At the beginning of this year I started my own website, it is dedicated to the music journalism work that I like doing. Now I am starting to sort of regret it. It has been a real eye opener for me. I am starting to not enjoy it one bit. But if I don’t want to do that then what do I want.

I have been looking for internships and this is why this has been bugging me. I’m not sure what kind of internship to apply to now. I was initially going to go for music magazines, or magazines that have a music section I could write for. But now it seems like if I do that I will be just as tortured as any other job. The whole point of school and everything I do was to get into a area that I love. If I feel tortured every time I think about writing an album review how will I get through it for the rest of my life.

I also have started working as the music editor for a local student run magazine. This work seems so much more satisfying. I like being able to reach out to public relations and such to get albums for others to review. I also enjoy the editing process so much more than the writing process. Unfortunately, I know no matter where I end up in magazines I will one have to start at the bottom and two will still have to write certain things myself.

So this leaves me with several questions.  Do I continue with working in music journalism? Do I pursue my other interest? If so what?

Lifes little lesson for Monday

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Yesterday, I was really in a funky mood. I woke up later than I wanted to, so I stayed in bed being lazy. Just felt like lying around. It didn’t help that I hadn’t really gotten anything done in a couple days. I basically wasted my time, by hanging out, and my money . Not that I didn’t enjoy it or feel like I needed it but I just couldn’t get myself back into a working state of mind. So after I finally got up, sitting in front of my computer I just couldn’t think of one thing I wanted to do. Then I get a text to go hang out with a friend. I did want to go hang out because it’s not like I was being productive. But then I thought about the money issue and if I did go anywhere then I would be upset the next day because again I had gotten nothing done and I would be completely broke.

So as I sat there contemplating what to do I went through my choices.

1. I could get right back into the bed and wait for the day to be over and just start all over tomorrow hoping it would be a better day.

2. I could go hang out and spend the last of my money. I could also hope that hanging out would put me in a better mood and that at least I would have had some fun before I tried starting over again tomorrow.

Or I could do the smartest thing. Just try to work through it and force myself to do something, anything. I thought for a minute and pulled out the easiest thing I could possible do. Take out a journal and just write about how I felt. I just sat and wrote out the whole ordeal, it came out real easily once I began. About half way through it I was already feeling better. I’m not sure how long I wrote but it was about two pages. I stopped to eat and do a couple of other things in between but kept going back. (I tend to always multi-task once I get motivated) But by the time I wrote the last paragraph I felt totally better. I did still get back into bed but with different intentions.

I was just going to do a little mini restart of the day. Instead of getting in the bed and staying there until the next morning I was going to take a little mini nap and get up later to get some stuff done at night. I did get in bed but never up taking the nap. Eventually, I got some work done later in the night after watching a little television.

Whether or not I did get anything done though was besides the point. Writing my way out of my funky mood made me remember why I began writing in the first place. The writing experience has always been very cathartic for me. It was the easiest and most natural outlet for me to channel my energy into. Over the years I’ve lost my enthusiasm for writing. Well actually the better way to put it is I lost the momentum I once used to have. At some points life’s distractions took over. At other times it just started to feel too much like an obligation. With attempting to turn my passion and something that I did purely for fun into a legitimate career I had to write things I didn’t always enjoy, so it became forced. But while I was writing the journal entry it just all flowed out of me, it wasn’t forced and the more I wrote the better I felt. I just realized this is a sign that I’ve got to work out a new routine. I have to do more of that natural, fun writing so I don’t get that burn out from just churning out work.

I have to find a balance so that I don’t forget again that I actually do enjoy writing.

I couldn’t resist

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As the whole world can’t seem to resist talking about Lindsey Lohan going to jail, I was going to turn the other way and ignore it simply because I really don’t care. Not that I don’t indulge in celebrity gossip, but I just figured enough people had talked about this already. I was wrong.

Attempting to watch some real news for once I switched over to the CNN channels that are all strung along after each other, and every single one of them was talking about it. I almost lost it, the one time I finally decide I want to learn something I have to hear about what people who most likely have  never been near a  jail think she may have to endure. I guess being a newscaster makes you an expert on everything.

I think my favorite was when one “journalist” asked another about why she though people were so obsessed with hearing about this one young celebrity’s life issues. Really? Maybe it’s because its on every channel and being talked about by every single media outlet.  It’s a shame but we have sunk to an incredible low as a species.

And I know I’ve just added to the mania, but in this case I thought I just had to say something. Just to clear my conscience and cleanse the soul of my celebrity gossip sins.

Life’s pretty hard

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If you look at the past posts, you’ll notice I have not been the best at posting blogs frequently. For example the worst I think has been the past six months.  I can’t seem to find the time to get everything done.  I started school again and that was a large distraction but at the same time I also just slacked off.

Its truthfully because life is hard. You don’t always get to do what you want. We all have a plan for how we want or think things will go but that may not happen.  Life takes you on some detours and you have to kind of just go with it and hope that it takes you somewhere good in the end. I have been on many of these little detours and even some not so little ones. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to change the plan. It helps a lot to be a it flexible or else you may end up just stuck.

I recently did let myself get stuck, but I’m getting things back on track and tweaking my plans. In keeping with this change, there may be some changes to this blog. I’m not sure yet where I will head but I one thing is for sure. I will be posting a lot more often. Only god can know what those post will be at this point but they will go up. I just hope somebody will enjoy reading them as much as I will hopefully enjoy writing them.

Annoying MySpace Bands

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Have you ever found a band on MySpace that you kind of liked but then they annoyed you into hating them. I found one. I was reminded of this today when I had my iTunes playing and all of a sudden came on this really great music that I didn’t recognize. When I checked to see who it was I found it was this band that had their album for free download a while back on MySpace. I had downloaded it, put it onto my ipod,  and then forgot about it. Right after that my ipod died and with that any hope of me listening to it. Then they added me from about five different profiles, the band, the singer, an art page, etc. Then bombarded me with bulletins and messages. It drove me to the point that I deleted every one of their profiles. I’m now really disappointed because it was a chance to find a really great band and now I’m so annoyed with them I wont bother to add them again.

In case any readers are in a band or promoting anything here are couple things that they or others have done that annoyed me to the point of deleting them:

  • Multiple messages asking me to listen, add, comment, etc. If I want to I will not because you ask me a million times.
  • Sending bulletins minutes apart for an hour about your new song or your latest gig, or whatever. I got it the first fifty times. (this goes for anybody)
  • Posting your song on a automatic player in a comment. Many times I’ve gone to a music page and couldn’t hear their music because of this.  And if I wanted your song on my page I’ll add it myself.
  • Adding me to several different of your accounts that send out the same exact thing a million times.
  • Constantly promoting things that have nothing to do with their music. (Especially, if it is totally unrelated and completely uninteresting to me)

I’m sure there are many more.  Maybe as time passes I will add some more. Can anybody think of anything else?